Captain America Meets the Asthma Monster

First off, I love this title. It's not Captain America versus the Asthma Monster, or Captain America battles the Asthma Monster, it's "meets", as if he ran into the Asthma Monster in the supermarket or something. Unfortunately, you turn to the first page and the headline title is "Attack of the Asthma Monster", so that kind of dashes your expectations. 

This issue is by Louise Simonson, who wrote and edited for both Marvel and DC over the years, and who is notable for helping kill Superman and for introducing the world to Cable. Then again, she also created Power Pack, so I can't hate her too much. 

Captain America Meets the Asthma Monster begins with a boy named John who is so excited about meeting Captain America at a mall that he has an asthma attack. In the nurse's office at school, he meets Ruth, a young charmer with feathered hair who is the captain of the swim team even though she also has asthma. Unfortunately, their budding romance is cut short when Swamp Thing the Asthma Monster attacks the school, bent on giving everyone an asthma attack!

(Above: Miss Grady is awfully provocatively dressed for a school nurse)

The Asthma Monster is an inexplicably teleporting badass who uses his considerable scientific prowess to give asthma attacks to the staff and students of local elementary schools. John and Ruth are immune, though, because of their asthma medicine! Didn't think of that, did you, Asthma Monster? He's so pissed off by this that he goes to destroy the "antidote" to his evil scheme. And who could possibly stop him? Why, Captain America and his unmarked yellow van!

(Above: Batman has his Batmobile, the X-Men have their Blackbird, and Captain America has a sweet van he bought off of a retiring contractor. He's gonna get a unicorn airbrushed on the hood when he's got enough cash)

Turns out Cap himself had asthma when he was a kid, but presumably the Super-Soldier serum that gave him his powers cleared that right up. Anyway, seems that the A.M. read the prescription label on the kids' medicine and has gone to take out their pediatrician, Dr. David. So Captain America takes the kids with him to the epic standoff in the doctor's office, and they're able to help by spraying the monster with their inhalers. But hey! It wasn't a real monster after all! It was a normal adult who felt left out because he had asthma, and who put all of his energy into making a Swamp Thing costume and devising a formula to attack people's lungs, instead of just manning up and taking some common and readily available asthma medication! He wanted everyone to suffer like he did! This all leads up to the best panel in the comic:

(Above: I will never get tired of the "...IN JAIL!" stinger)

So what have we learned from this?

1. Building a teleporting monster suit is easier than purchasing an inhaler

2. Children with asthma will, if left untreated, grow up to be unpleasant and petty supervillains

3. Someone needs to pay to have Cap's logo stenciled on his van

4. I never, ever want to type "asthma" again